One word
by JustMe90
Summary: Kendall thinks about Logan, while being at Logan's funeral. AU. The story includes the song 'One word' by Anouk. Rated for character death and the mention of suicide.


**I was listening to the song: One word by Anouk, and this story came in mind. I just had to write it down. I hope you enjoy reading it, although it's not really an enjoyable subject.**

**Warning: character death, mention of suicide**

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><p>Kendall stared at the coffin in front of the room, while letting the tears running down his face. He still couldn't believe, or maybe wouldn't believe what has happened. He hadn't noticed his best friend was doing so bad. And now he was here, sitting on the front row at his best friend's funeral.<p>

He had known Logan since they were just little kids. They had met in kindergarten, after Logan had moved from Texas to Minnesota with his family. Kendall himself hasn't moved long before into Minnesota from Kansas. They were both new in town, and that was one of the first reasons they started to hang out. The other boys and girls in their class, already knew each other and had formed their little groups of friends.

Logan was a pretty shy kid, he had learned to be more open later, but when he was younger, he was just shy. He didn't dare to talk to the other kids on the playground, he was afraid they wouldn't like him. Kendall had noticed the little boy playing on his own in the corner. He, unlike Logan, had no problem with making new friends. After seeing Logan the whole week, playing on his own, he decided to make friends with him. At first it was a little awkward. Logan wasn't really talkative, but Kendall kept trying to be friends. After a while, Logan probably had noticed, that Kendall seriously wanted to be his friend, and he started to feel more comfortable. They started talking and made up their own games. Within a couple of weeks the two boys were almost inseparable.

Once they were a little older, they both started to like ice hockey. It was a popular sport in Minnesota, and close to their houses was an ice rink. Kendall remembered that Logan and he had to beg for quite a while, before Logan was allowed to sign up with him for a team. Logan's parents were very protective over their son, and didn't want him to get hurt. Logan was their only child, and they didn't want something to happen to him. The sport was too rough for them to like. Apparently Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell had enough of all the begging, and gave in. He remembered that both he and Logan were so happy.

By the time they were in their junior year of high school, they had grown out to excellent hockey players. Kendall had became the captain of the team and played on the center position, while Logan played on the left wing. Although Logan was a little shorter than the rest of the team, he was also a lot faster than most of them. Together they formed a great team, what cause a lot of victories through the years.

It was Kendall's dream to play for the Minnesota Wilds after he finished college. Kendall was never really fond of school, but with Logan Mitchell as your best friend, well you'll learn better. Logan himself had dreamed to become a doctor, since he was a little child. He tried to get a scholarship by playing hockey. With Logan's performances on the ice and even more important his school grades, no one ever thought he couldn't make his dream come true.

However things had changed. During junior year, Logan had started to think about his life. He noticed that he was different than the rest of his friends. It was even something he had not in common with Kendall. All of his friends, including Kendall, had girlfriends during the years. Logan not. During parties Kendall has seen Logan flirt with girls. Kendall even set him up to a few dates, but it never worked out. Logan had told him that there never was a spark. He thought the girls were pretty, but not more than that. Logan's lack of interest in girls, has been a reason of teasing in the locker room, but Logan had always laughed it away.

Things had really changed a little later. Kendall had noticed that Logan was getting pretty silent again. He wouldn't be celebrating their victories as much as the rest of the team. Kendall started to get worried about his best friend, and decided to pay more attention to him. He noticed that Logan zoned out more and more. And when they were changing in the locker room, he saw Logan sometimes staring at James. But whenever Logan had noticed he was about to get caught, he would stop the staring and got out of the locker room as fast as he could.

After thinking about the situation for a while, he slowly started to think that his best friend was gay, or at least confused about his sexuality. It would explain his lack of interest in girls and the staring at James. He knew James was quite popular with the girls in his school, so he probably would be as well for a gay guy. Plus Logan zoned out a lot lately, even his grades seemed to drop a bit as well. While he had thought about it more and more at the time, the more he got sure that Logan was confused. He needed to talk to him about it, but didn't know how to start about it, without making Logan feel uncomfortable.

Talking didn't seem to be necessary. After the next training they had, they got changed in the locker room, and Logan had started to stare at James once more, who was only wearing a towel around his waist. The sight of James, still wet from the shower and with only that towel around his waist, got Logan turned on. He didn't notice he got an erection, until it was too late. Carlos caught Logan staring at James when he got out of the shower himself, and it didn't take long for him to notice the visible formed bulge in Logan's boxer.

Kendall remembered that Carlos started to laugh, which drew the attention of the other guys. Quickly everyone found out what was going on. Logan had changed into his clothes really fast, and ran away from the locker room as fast as he could. Kendall had told the group it wasn't cool what they did, and changed fast into his regular clothes as well, so he could check up on Logan. When he had walked out of the locker room to search for Logan, he heard the others talking to each other about the fact they were right all along. They knew that Logan was gay, as he never had a real girlfriend before.

Kendall had run through the school, while hoping he could find his best friend, but there was no such luck. When he was about to give up on finding him at school, he saw Logan's car still parked on the parking lot. When he came closer, he saw Logan with his head on the steer wheel, and by the look of his motions, crying. Kendall had ran towards the car, and he had found himself a place on the passenger seat. He had tried to calm Logan down, by shushing and rubbing his back smoothly. Kendall had told Logan it was okay, and that everything would turn out to be okay as well. It was then, when Logan had raised his head and turned his look on Kendall. Kendall could see the hurt in his friends eyes. And all of a sudden Logan had apologized. He had apologized for not telling him. He had told Kendall that he would understand if Kendall didn't want to be his friend anymore.

Kendall couldn't believe what he heard that day. Why on earth would he drop his best friend? Just because he's gay? Why did Logan think he would do that? It had even made him feel a bit angry. He knew this wasn't about him, so he kept the angriness to himself, before Logan would think he was indeed angry on him for being gay. Instead, he reassured Logan that he was completely cool with it. He told him, he already suspected this for awhile, but didn't know how to bring the subject up, because he wasn't sure. After a while Logan had calmed down a bit, and Kendall had drove him home.

The next day the team had told Logan he had to quit the team, because they didn't want a queer in their team. They didn't want to see Logan anywhere near the locker room, and they wanted him to stay away from them. Kendall had tried to convince them otherwise, but it didn't help. The team had made up their mind, and decided to act like homophobic pricks. Kendall had turned to the coach, to see if he could do anything about it, but he said he agreed with the team. If the team wasn't comfortable with having a gay guy in their locker room, and on the ice, than there was no other option for Logan then to quit the team.

Within less than 24 hours, Logan had lost his friends and his chance on a hockey scholarship, just because of his sexual orientation. Kendall saw his friend suffering, but he couldn't do anything about it. Logan kept him on a distance, while hockey took more and more of his time. With the loss of Logan, the team needed a new strategy. And therefore they needed time, to try the strategies the coach came up with.

After a while, Logan had acted normal again. Although, normal wasn't really the right word to describe it. At least he let Kendall back into his life again, which made Kendall feel relieved. He never wanted for Logan to go through this alone.

When things weren't bad enough for Logan, his dad has lost his job, because of the financial crisis. The chances for Logan to follow his dream of becoming a doctor, became smaller and smaller. At some point, Kendall had the idea that Logan was giving up on his dream. Logan's grades where dropping. They were still above average, but Logan didn't took the afford to learn every detail. He didn't study like he used to do.

Kendall had shared his concerns multiple times with Logan, but Logan had waved his concerns away, by telling there was nothing going on, and he was fine. He said it was nothing but natural that his grade had dropped, as the subjects they discussed in class became harder through the year. At the time, Kendall had believed what Logan said.

Kendall had stopped worrying too much about his friend, until he got the phone call. It was Tuesday night, when Kendall had walked into the locker room. He had opened his locker and took a glance at his cell phone. He saw he had missed three phone calls and a text. All coming from the Mitchell's landline. This made him feel worried once again. Logan knew Kendall would be at the training, so why would he call him? Before calling back he had checked the text. He clearly remembered what it had said:

'_I'm sorry. I hope you'll forgive me one day.' _

Kendall remembered he had stared at his phone with a puzzled look. What was Logan sorry for? And what needed to be forgiven someday? He wanted to know what was going on, so he called the Mitchell's residence. The phone was being answered by Mr. Mitchell. His voice sounded like he was crying, or like there was a big lump in his throat. Kendall got afraid. He never in his life, heard Mr. Mitchell like this. And then he heard the words.

_"__He's dead. He committed suicide." _

Kendall was told later that he didn't let him finish speaking. Instead he had yelled, and cried while throwing his phone at the wall.

Kendall was startled out of his thoughts, when he felt someone shake his arm gently. Before he could turn his head to see who was trying to get his attention, he heard the funeral director calling his name. The man asked if Kendall was ready to perform, or if he to skip it.

Kendall had locked himself into his room the last couple of days. At first he had cried a lot, and thought a lot about Logan. People had told him to think about the nice moments he had with Logan. He had really tried, but somehow he could only think about what has caused Logan to commit suicide. He didn't understand why he hadn't see it coming. And then he started to feel guilty. What if he had tried to talk to Logan sooner, then the whole scene in the locker room wouldn't have happened, and Logan would still be on the team and working his ass of f to get into medical school, like he had always dreamed of. Kendall felt guilty for taking away Logan's dreams. He felt guilty he had spend so much time on hockey, once Logan had quit. Deep down he knew that Logan would never want him to quit the team as well, but Kendall felt like he should have done that. That way he had more time to spend with Logan, and it could have pretended Logan from what he did.

Somewhere during the days he locked himself into his room, he had grabbed his guitar, and started to play. He had suddenly found himself writing a song. A song for Logan, to somehow express what he was feeling. When his mother had heard him play the song, when it was finished, she suggested that he should play it at the funeral.

And now it was time. He stood up from his chair and grabbed his guitar. He walked over to the director, who was getting him a stool and a microphone with standard. Kendall set things up, and looked at the auditorium. The room was filled with people. He sighed deeply and closed his eyes. Ready to let Logan hear his song.

_I close my eyes  
>And imagine you're here<br>Did it all seem so hopeless  
>Given the chance<br>I would ask  
>Forgive me<br>For I didn't do a thing to make you stay  
>For I didn't say a word to make you stay<br>If I would have known  
>Could I have tried to make it easier<br>But I didn't do a thing  
>Or say a word<br>One word_

And I don't know why you're gone, now you're gone  
>No beautiful goodbye<br>You will never leave my mind  
>And it turns out to be so much different than our dreams<br>Now you're, you're a star in heaven

My thoughts unsaid  
>Stuck in my head<br>And it all feels so useless  
>Never forget to give all I have<br>Forgive me  
>I couldn't do a thing to make you stay<br>And I couldn't say a word to make you stay  
>If I could have known<br>Could I have tried to make it easier  
>But I couldn't do a thing<br>Or say a word  
>One word<p>

And I don't know why you're gone, now you're gone  
>No beautiful goodbye<br>Ýou will never leave my mind  
>And it turns out to be so much different than our dreams<br>Now you're, you're a star in heaven

Still I don't know why you're gone, now you're gone  
>No beautiful goodbye<br>You will never leave my mind  
>And it turns out to be so much different than our dreams<br>Now you're, you're a star in heaven  
>You're a star in heaven now<br>You're a star in heaven  
>yeah you're my star<p>

When the song was finished Kendall opened his eyes again, to see most people couldn't keep their eyes dry. He turned his head towards Logan's coffin, tears running down his face and whispered:

"_I'll never forget you Logie!'_


End file.
